Thursday 28 July 2011

Entry 1

(The following is a rough typing of whatever came to my mind as I wrote)
I'm in a predicament. Autogynephelia? Transexual? Transvestite?

I'm biologically male and am all in all confident and comfortable with my gender, except when it comes to sex.

Since I was 12 I've had sexual fantasies of inhabiting a female body. This desire ebbs and flows, it is not consistent, I do not find myself desiring to be a female for the most part of my waking consciousness, and neither do I feel out of place in my male body. I cannot, however, becomes sexually aroused unless i imagine myself as a female - even during the brief sexual encounters I've had in my life, for most of them I could only turn myself on by imagining myself as a woman, and having lesbian sex with my partner. I of course, did not tell her this - and for contiguous reasons, the relationship did not last very long; I was scared of intimacy.

The fantasies follow a simple formula. I'm a beautiful woman - perfect - an ideal object of desire. It's a narcissistic vision: The purpose of becoming a woman is not so that I can be penetrated, if i imagine that it is simply to enhance my femininity, and thus my status as an object of desire. Simply the image of a woman masturbating on a bed, or caressing her own body, or even the fantasy of men magically transforming into women, and enduring the physical change from male to female, is enough to turn me on (websites such as or movies like 'Dr Jeckyll and Ms Hyde' are examples of this fantasy - check them out). I ejaculate to these fantasies. Ordinary heterosexual porn isn't enough for me to form a desire to ejaculate to - and furthermore the sensation of masturbation, of the rubbing and caressing of the penis, in my mind is not attached to the reality of penetration, of my penis inhabiting a receptacle - instead, during masturbation the sensation is associated in my mind as the sensation of what a woman feels during the sexual act. (I would like to add here as an addendum that i am definitely not homosexual. Sex with a man is something i have often thought about openly, but i have no desire to engage in. It is not accompanied with aversion, and perhaps i might experiment with it - but this isn't my problem; if I was homosexual, I would readily accept it and find myself a place in life quite easily.)

At times I have cross-dressed, and enjoyed feeling like a woman, as an object of desire and beauty. However, this desire fades with ejaculation, and i am left with a feeling of nausea afterwards. However, the desire is so strong that times afterwards i come back to the same fantasy and cross-dressing. 
Once I have ejaculated the fantasy quickly fades. I feel 'normalised' and the tension within my mind ceases. I have no desire to be a woman at all; i am comfortable being male.

Another complicating factor. I'm not the most masculine man in build and psychology: I'm much more sensitive than the average person. Sometimes i feel more sensitive than most girls I have met. I can imagine myself nuzzling my face into the neck of my ideal partner, a female, of absolute delicacy and sensitivity, more sensitive than I. When i'm lying in bed before sleep, the time when these fantasies crowd my mind, I am most comfortable tucking the sheets between my legs and digging my face in the pillow delicately, caressing it, and feeling safe and tucked in and loved. I'm half asian, and therefore physically not robust. Dressed in women;s clothes and make-up, i can easily pass asa female - and pretty one at that.  This leads me to think perhaps i need a sex change, and if i should, as early as possible, to ease the pain of transition, and preserve my beauty. However, what stops me is the internal contradiction as follows: Maybe I'm female, but conditioned as being male? Or maybe I'm male, with an odd fetish for female sexuality during sex that has become an obsession? This is the contradiction.

In social situations and the reality of daily life, i find myself naturally taking the dominant role - the confident talker and trader of puns and anecdotes - I like good attention, and normally I get it, most people i know see me as a confident male, and probably assume the same in sex - i have had plenty of female attention, but most have been left at the sidelines because i truly lack the confidence to engage in the pursuit; i feel like I want to be the one that is pursued, in my sexual fantasies, I'm totally passive, totally female - I'm at will to my partner, or indulging in my own sensitivity and 'femaleness' during masturbation. It's this contradiction between male and female within myself that really phases me - i feel that if could just banish this sexual tendency of mine I can finally be happy and totally comfortable with myself. In that case, this sexual tendency can be considered a 'perversion' that can nevertheless be healed and put right - from then on, i can derive more sexual satisfaction from penetration and heterosexual sex. A small part of myself that is in contradiction can be smoothed out. However, i have shortcomings - when i feel the desire to be a woman, feel that it is really genuine - so considering this feeling a perversion means compromising myself as a person, and maybe even deluding myself into thinking that i can be 'cured'  when all it is is a natural part of my personality, and will be for the rest of my life. Maybe a clue can be illustrated thus: At that time of feeling, i honestly 'feel'l female - but not my feminine ideal - I thought inhabited my feminine ideal in these situations, but now I'm not too sure. The female i experience in these times of 'autosexual' desire is simply devoid of any personality. She is a purely physical and carnal manifestation. But this train of thought has led me into a reflection upon my anima, which is detailed below.

My anima is more sexually confident and expressive than i am - more relaxed and cool with her sexuality, which is open and sometimes borders on the blatant. Physically she is a brunette with waving hair, with ample breasts, and a petite, frame and skinny figure, bronze skin and deep lucid eyes - an absolute beauty. She is sometimes bisexual, but mostly heterosexual, engaging in sex with men. She is aware of the powers of her desire, and plays on this, sometimes teasing, yet rarely using it to malicious advantage. She is extremely desirable and a huge experimenter. She is kind of quirky, much less the type than the typical female, she is highly intelligent and artistic - she is of extreme sensitivity and could be considered 'spiritual' - she's well read, and imaginative, her ambitions are not to find stability and a place in conforming society, but to explore - physically the world, but also emotional and mental, journeys of the mind. She sees life as one huge adventure that unravels as she lives it with each twist and turn, she sees the only sin as that of rooting down and deciding to moulder away whilst still alive. She's confident and capable, but also, paradoxically, sensitive and dependent because of her innate kindness and gentleness. In short, she really is something exceptional. She can't be tied down. 

In contrast to this, my male ideal is as follows. Highly intelligent, erudite and a confident, stylish, suave talker - experienced in as much as having experienced much more than the average person, and carrying an air of mystery and mysticism. Many different people have highly different impressions of myself. I carry a childlike innocence in my smile that belies an deep inner strength. I am also a deep melancholy pensive man when in times not engaged in conversation - I'm Byronic in this sense. I'm also Rimbaud'esque in my visionary approach to life and burning desire for exploration and adventure. There is also another contradiction. I have sage-like qualities, I admire iron discipline and machine like precision, I take life extremely seriously, I have ambitions and a desire for greatness and recognition; yet I also admire artists and bohemians, as well as old-fashioned style intellectuals and statesmen; I'm able on the guitar, yet also want to learn law - I'm a jack of all trades: I have a talent for computing, which can be developed as a conventional skill to be applied in business and commerce, yet also find myself indulging in artistic fancies of imagination. I'm a man that acts out my own fantasies. I'm simultaneously social whilst also being a recluse. The qualities I admire are: Genius, courage, passion, philosophical and moral principles, sexual and erotic appeal, amongst others, in a person. I imagine myself as bisexual, yet mostly heterosexual, with a burning passion for love, not simply sex - only sex if it serves the purpose of love: Total immersion of two souls in period of time. I'm serious, and mature - i'm not a physical person, but I have the strength of my own mind and my own principles. I live life to my own creed. I am both compassionate, yet also ruthless, mainly in the way I treat myself.

These are the ideals roughly sketched out. Now this is the reality.

I'm 18, I still live with my parents, I went through a deep depression starting in the fall of 2009 and now, in the summer of 2011, have almost recovered. The root of the depression was steeped in earlier years, when I was 14 (an action of mine in my early teenage years in august 2007 set my life into the deep darkness of a well for the next 4 years or more of my life - never again), yet my even have roots in neurosis, and therefore back to infancy. I have a sister who i admire for her artistic talents. My parents are bohemian. My dad married my mum in thailand, she was one of the first Thai nationals to marry a foreigner. I am the product of this clash of cultures. I admire my father for his individuality and inner strength and modesty, my mother for her passionate strength and resilience; and both for their absolute loving care for me and my sister. I lost myself. I lived in a well for four years. I was seen as 'the cool kid' at school, but during this time i was deeply unhappy and alienated from myself. The pressure to conform and be accepted amongst my peers tore my soul apart. I find myself confused over what path in life to take. I feel I should have done many things, and now the time to do those things is over. I feel i went through a period of subtle insanity, and the taint has permanently marked me for the reef of my life. I was a cliche: teenage drug abuse, accomplished guitarist, delinquent. i feel i have let my intellectual and emotional capacities to atrophy, and that they will never grow back  the way they used to be - a tree pollarded, and growing back a shadow of its former self. I feel following the blazing lights of my dreams has led me in circles towards the spidery shadows of the past. I am deeply interested in astrology. I feel i have a destiny to accomplish, that I am embarking upon a path of greatness and glory, yet simultaneously i feel that this may just be another insane idea of mine. Other insane ideas of mine are my fantasies and ideals aforementioned, and my self-centred approach to life. I feel like i should have bee an author, or poet, yet i also have a bung desire to get up on stage and express myself in music. Bob dylan was the first genius i admired. i wanted to find the 'truth', the truth that will lest you free. The truth that defines an era. I want to be the man that coins the phrases that will be infused within the culture for a millennia to come. I've never had a proper girlfriend; my last girlfriend was when was 15. When she began giving me a handjob, i couldn't get an erection - she gently chided me a 'silly boy'. I feel i have failed my A Levels; I was too tormented and demented the past two years to concentrate on my studies. I have two jobs: one working for (a company) on the website; another for my parent's company, working on websites. I played in a band briefly, but we never gigged because the drummer's and bassists', whom were bothers, mother was adverse to the idea of them playing in a rock band. We only played covers. i love nature; i love the dull-gold fragrance of dew in the morning, and the burning magnificence of the sky at dusk. I'm interested in mythology and the profound questions in life, mainly, What Does it Mean To Be Human?  i feel i brain-damaged myself after ecstasy use; now i only believe that when i'm depressed. etc. etc. The rest becomes a list. And it's all too poorly typed that I must relive myself of the embarrassment of continuing the descriptions.

i've reach the end of my reflection. I'm stupid; I can;t think unless I'm writing. But what do you think? Am i mad? or just different? 

But the main question of mine hinges upon my forays into sexuality. Any kind or constructive responses will be gladly appreciated.